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Original Passage:
In the following essay, the student will discuss how technology affects society's health. Firstly, it is undeniable that our reliance on smartphones and computers leads to sedentary lifestyles which can cause issues like obesity and heart diseases. Moreover, the excessive use of social media may result in mental health problems such as anxiety and depression due to constant exposure to others' perfect lives. On the other hand, technology also has a positive impact; it enhances our access to information and healthcare services. Thanks to telemedicine, patients can receive care remotely without having to leave their homes.
Improved Passage:
In this essay, I m to elucidate on how advancements in technology impact societal health. Undeniably, there's an undeniable correlation between our heavy depence on smartphones and computers leading to sedentary behaviors. This lifestyle can induce various health problems such as obesity and cardiovascular diseases. Furthermore, the overindulgence in social media platforms might exacerbate mental health concerns like anxiety and depression due to continuous exposure to idealized portrayals of others' lives.
However, technology also bestows significant benefits on society's well-being; it significantly improves access to information and healthcare services. With telemedicine, patients can receive medical assistance without leaving their domiciles or uring long wt times at clinics. This innovation ensures that healthcare is more conveniently accessible for people in remote regions as well.
Therefore, while the disadvantages of technology may necessitate careful attention and regulation, its undeniable benefits cannot be ignored either. The balance between facilitating advancements in health technology while mitigating negative side effects is crucial to ensure societal prosperity and wellness.
The modified passage retns the original information but restructures it with more sophisticated vocabulary, making for smoother reading. It also adds clarity by breaking down points into separate sentences where needed and ensuring proper punctuation and formatting are used.
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Technologys Impact on Sedentary Lifestyle Health Mental Health Issues Linked to Social Media Overuse Telemedicine Enhances Remote Healthcare Access Informational Benefits of Technological Advancements Obesity and Cardiovascular Diseases from Screen Use Balancing Tech Advancements for Societal Wellness